by mattkeflowers

I’m sure you’ve read statistics, the overall population of churches is falling, and of all demographics, the least represented is mine. There are countless causes for this, but there is one I was particularly aware of as I left college: most churches don’t know what to do with single, young professionals.

In short, Churches have a place for married people (couples retreats), they have places for young people (children’s and youth ministries), but what they don’t have is a place for the people in between these two places. No… “in between” is the wrong phrase. They don’t have a place for those who fall into neither camp. I don’t like the “in between” concept. It implies that I as a single college graduate am simply in an ecclesiastical holding pattern until such time as I find a wife. At that time the church will signal me to go to a particular class where other young marrieds are. The underlying assumption is of course that you are not a whole person, until you are one flesh composed of two people. If you work the math backwards it makes sense. Two married people are one flesh, therefore one unmarried person is half of one flesh, ergo not a full person. But as such an individual… that hurts.

I appreciate the struggle, after all most of the college age people who were connected to your church were in the youth group and have likely gone too far away to moved (as they were from child to youth ministry) into another stage. The population is so small it’s hard to justify paying a full time minister to exclusively focus on this group. I’ve worked with churches, and I understand the logistical complexities of the issue. After all there are only so many rooms for classes and so many volunteers to teach them, it can be difficult to sponsor a class exclusively for a group that cuts to half or less of it’s size for all of the Sundays/Wednesdays when college is in session.

Coming from a school that ranked second in the nation in the number of men who married women from the same school, and having an overwhelming number of my friends be married at roughly the same age that I am, I was well aware that there was a cultural norm that I was differentiating from when I arrived in the entry way of South Side Church of Christ in Bentonville, Arkansas.

That first Sunday, I knew two people who weren’t about to head back to college. I’d spent years as a preacher at a small mostly elderly congregation. It had been a long time since I’d been a member of a church where the people my age weren’t brought to the church along with me. I came in self-conscious, and terrified that I wouldn’t be able to find a place. Boy was I wrong.

I volunteered to help with the youth group, whose youth minister was one of those two people I mentioned that I knew. Andy welcomed me to be part of that and I was also invited (by others who helped with the youth group) to join their life group. The life group is composed of (approximately) 10 married couples… and me. I was quite fearful the first few weeks. I was waiting for the inevitable chat about it. The one where somebody starts pushing the idea that I need to get married. I kept expecting to hear something about it, but the conversation never came.

I realized last week while talking to a friend from school that while, yes, I’m surrounded by married people at church, none of them treated me like I was less. They never viewed me as if I were lacking something necessary. Never once in their company has anyone seemed to view me as less than a whole person. when that realization hit me… I truly felt so thankful. It can’t be undervalued that the men and women alike have welcomed me. They’ve treated me with dignity and respect that was in no way contingent upon my relationship status.

To those in churches around this country who struggle with where to put a person like me, I recommend the following. Don’t worry about what class I should go to, don’t worry about making sure I’ve met the other ten single people my age… worry about me. Concern yourself with who I am right now. Not the married guy I may become, not the college kid that I was. The way to interact with me… is to love me. That’s what this life group and this church have done and it has made a huge difference in my life.